I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
