Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
