Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
ugly people sure do ruin things
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Randomize
