My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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