Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
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Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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