I can text with my tongue
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
