I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
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