I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
