So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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