She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
