I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
