He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
