Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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