doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
