I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
