she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
And then he peed in my hair
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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