and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
