I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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