we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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