R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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