Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
