I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
