If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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