my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
