Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
