she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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