i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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