Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
