I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
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i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
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The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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