my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
this boner is exhausting
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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