So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
