a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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