EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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