so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
