I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
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He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
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I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
that is very illegal...i love you.
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