4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
