just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
