So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Randomize
