I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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