She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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