3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
