she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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