We're facebook friends in real life
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
