Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
