your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
