I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
And then he peed in my hair
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