tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
