Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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