So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
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I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
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Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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