2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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