I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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