She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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