Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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