I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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