I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
