The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
