after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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