trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
