There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I look better un-naked...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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