And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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