I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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