Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
